Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership

Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.